Getting out of my head

This is my last full day in Oaxaca. I have barely scratched the surface of what this city has to offer in terms of culture, art, mystery, etc. I hope I will return here before I leave Mexico. It’s so charming, and I’m surrounded by so much love and family vibes at my little cafe B&B that I am now actually feeling a little hesitant about returning to Mexico City tomorrow…a much bigger place in size and pace, but also a place where I will again be starting over. I know no one in Mexico City and my apartment there is not nestled above a bustling cafe, so I have some relative concerns about connecting with folks there in a similar, easy way. But perhaps that’s not what I need.

While Oaxaca has been a total delight to my senses, I haven’t done any “work” here.  A primary “practical” goal of mine is to actually write while I’m here – to put words onto pages and to finish something. And not in this familiar prose-like way, but by way of screenwriting. I have been a storyteller since childhood, and a lover of movies – characters, action, sound.  So for years, it’s been a known desire amongst those I’m closest to, to write a movie. The last two years I’ve been taking screenwriting courses back in LA and received some encouraging feedback from really good teachers, and also other students. I’ve also learned that writing for film or TV is nothing like writing a blog, or a journal entry, or even a short poem or song lyrics. I’ve done all of that. Ironically, in my courses I have also learned that the actual technique of script writing does not come naturally to me – a self-acknowledged poetic over-thinker/talker/sharer. So this style of writing does and will require practice and discipline. But it also requires getting out of my head and “On the Page” (as my last teacher Pilar Alessandra so brilliantly taught me how to do).

One thing I’m certain of from my quiet conversations with God is that I have the tendency to do what I know I can do in my own strength. I’m really good at doing what I know I can’t fail at. If I can will it to be, by my own intellect, by my own knowledge of a process…if I’ve done it before or feel confident that I can figure it out even if I’ve never done it, I have no problem signing up for the “challenge.” But if I’m truly out of my depth, and wading through unfamiliar territory where one needs to rely on the flow of the Spirit to lead the way, I won’t entirely quite before I start, but I won’t get far! I believe all great artists are led by Spirit. That all great art is accomplished by opening oneself to something greater, by being a vessel or container for the “Muse” or whatever you like to call Her.

To be more honest with myself, I guess what I’m dreading about Mexico City more than not having any friends, or, the city not being as enchanting, is actually having to confront this stubborn beast in me that just refuses to submit to this Something Greater. Showing up every day to the Spirit is half the battle. When I sit before a blank page in Final Draft on my screen I want the story to tell me what it wants to say.

So this weekend begins the real process of surrender. Will I show up everyday to be present to the Presence of Creativity within me that wants to teach me something, reveal something…show me what I am actually capable of if I get out of my own head?

I pray for the grace to have what I truly desire but am afraid to accept.